The pain of judgement

Wow, I am so darn frustrated right now...I find myself, as usual reverting to the "I need someone to understand what I'm doing" thought mode, when, in reality, not many people could even BEGIN to understand what I'm doing...you would have to have lived alot of my life in the last 6 years.

As I mentioned, we're currently getting ready to move, yet again. We moved here in June, to Oregon...in the hope that we could find a good educational fit for our adopted, special needs daughter. We left our son and his family, and many friends..but, still had high hope that this would be a good thing. I personally know that it has not been a mistake to have adopted her, although, truly, my husband and I...and all of us as a family has been torn to pieces over the changes brought about thru that decision. That would bring me to that age old question though....Either God IS or God ISN"T, which is it in my life?? I have chosen to believe he IS. BUT, I find (oh my, does that mean I'm yelling? I'm not yelling...just trying to make a typing point) that especially within the Christian community, of which we as a family are a part...there is even less encouragement and help, and way way more judgement and condemnation. So, consequently, I'm frustrated.

My thoughts are kind of all over the place, because I realize here, I am the one with the problem, noone can frustrate me, unless I give them permission...and really, if I am in fact doing what I believe is the best at least at this point, then, really, who CARES what the heck anyone else thinks...and I cannot change anyone at all, ever for any reason. Years ago I learned a little saying..."A man convinced against his will, is a man unconvinced still". Yeah, so much for me changing the way anyone thinks. So, that brings this whole rant back to me. And, what I can do in my/our life that would be God glorifying, serving, loving, kind. I think I need to take a good look at myself, and come up with some questions for me to ponder.

1. How is MY attitude affecting those around me, those 5 feet near me, those 500 miles away from me...how is my attitude affecting those?

2. What can I do about it?

3. What do I really really believe? Do I believe God is who HE says he is? Do I believe the bible is what the bible says?

4. Am I willing to do what it takes to live those beliefs out? Or will I become a whining, cranky, ungrateful person because noone understands, or is willing to help in what I do believe is a pretty difficult situation?

5. Am I willing to forgive the judgement? Especially the judgement of the Christians around me, the ones I keep thinking over and over again are NOT going to be the ones tearing my spirit apart? Again, goes back to what I believe...and if I refuse to forgive, what happens to me?

Ugh, some good questions...and I am grateful for the introspection...I will choose to believe today, I will choose to try in my humaness to bring honor to all my relationships...I will choose to NOT be a victim of anything, or anyone. I will do what I have to do to stay spiritually fit, so as to not want to be a victim...ok, a day at a time here...Deep breath, it is an incredible life to be sure.